Stargate Official Fanfiction University
by StargateOFU
Summary: Welcome to the Stargate Official Fanfiction University, where students Learn Through Pain about how to correctly write good fanfiction set in the Stargate universe. Will they survive their first year with sanity intact? Let's hope so.


**A/N: **Welcome to the Stargate Official Fanfiction University, where students Learn Through Pain about how to correctly write good fanfiction set in the Stargate universe. Everything is meant as parody, and all complaints and flames will be fed to the minis. All recognizable characters belong to their respective owners, etc, etc. All credit for the original idea of an OFU is (C) Miss Cam of OFUM fame. This is being co-written by Miah and Pretzel. For those of you who want to send in a student, please fill out the above character form and post it a review. Sign-ups will be open until Midnight on June 12.

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><p>~TIME: Three in the morning. PLACE: Temporary Offices, P3Y-239, Pegasus Galaxy~<p>

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><p>The sound of a weary sigh emanated from the general direction of a woman sitting behind a desk almost entirely covered with stacks of folders a foot high. They were the worst of the files she'd recently sifted through, the remainder of which were neatly "filed" in other towering piles on the floor around her desk. She could barely see her door from where she sat, but she knew she had left it open when a concerned voice sounded from its general direction.<p>

"Miss Rynessa, Miss Kyra, are you all right?"

Rynessa smiled slightly as she carefully leaned back in her chair. Peter Grodin, who had volunteered to help her out as her assistant in the year ahead, always seemed to know when she or Kyra, her host, needed something to distract them from the stresses of their work.

"I'm perfectly fine, Peter, thank you," Nessa, as the Tok'ra symbiote preferred to be called, said, her dual-toned voice marking that it was she who was currently in control. "Just wishing that I didn't have to deal with all of this. It's tough work organizing everything for a first-year OFU."

"I'm sure it is, Miss Rynessa," Peter replied, rounding a particularly haphazard stack of files with a steaming mug of tea in each hand. He held one out to Nessa, who took it gratefully.

"You know, you _can_ just call me Nessa. Everyone else does," Nessa said, and then took a careful sip of the tea. It was Earl Grey, a favorite of hers, and something she hadn't remembered telling Peter. He was observant like that, one of the many things she liked about him. "Thank you, by the way, for helping us. It's been very useful to have someone around while Andon is running around getting everything else set up."

"I heard that the construction crews have almost finished building the Atlantis Quarter," Peter told her, carefully taking a seat on a nearby folding chair. "That just leaves the Training Grounds and the Mini Lairs."

Nessa nodded. "I'll be glad when the Staff Section is done. While I _do_ like the Tok'ra Tunnels, I'm starting to go stir-crazy not being able to see sunlight all the time."

"Yes, well, it'll be protected with as many Ancient, Goa'uld, Ori, Asgard, and Wraith technologies as Rodney and the others could combine into one system. As far as I know, unless a student is vouched for or if it's an emergency, they won't be able to get into the Staff Section. It'll be DNA protected, so they can't beat it by shape-shifting or illusions, even if anyone signs up as a Reetou or something similar."

"Ancestors, I _really_ hope they won't do that," Nessa muttered. "Let's hope they stick with the more conventional species, given that they mostly write about humans or Ancient-descended humans anyways. We still haven't figured out how to process students who want to be Goa'uld or Tok'ra. Kyra and I thought about just putting two students together who want to be Tok'ra, but for a Goa'uld, the most we could think of was to have their voices be constantly modified."

"That could work," Peter agreed. "Why don't you talk it over with the rest of the staff at the next Progress Meeting and see what they think? After all, all of us are going to have to deal with the students, and it'd probably be better if we knew how to handle them properly."

"True," Nessa said, and then yawned, futilely trying to cover it up with a belated hand over her mouth. Peter frowned at this and then sighed.

"You might as well go to bed. This mess will be here in the morning," he told her, getting up from his chair and then extending a hand to her to help her up. Nessa smiled wryly.

"Yeah, but I wish it wasn't," she replied, and then got up as well, gratefully using Peter's hand as leverage. They were able to exit the office without too many casualties amongst the precariously-piled folders, Peter guiding Nessa into the reception area outside. He had his desk there, and it was covered with almost as many papers and files as Nessa's was, which showed just how much work it actually took to even begin an OFU, let alone run it successfully. Nessa had the feeling that the amount of paperwork would drastically increase once the students actually arrived, a thought which sent metaphorical shivers down her spine.

_I wish we hadn't volunteered for this,_ she said mentally to Kyra, who responded with a groggy _What?_, and then went back to sleep. Well, there was no use in complaining now. They were in it for the long haul, and there wasn't anything they could do about it, except do what they were here for: teach their students the right way to write fanfiction, by any means possible.

~/~

_And then Kyle shot the last wraith in the face with his gun and Colonel Shepard said "good job major we should go home now" And then they went through the stargate and back to Atlantis._

THE END! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

With great satisfaction, Kyle Harper saved his latest chapter of "Major Kyle Harper and the doom of the wraith", clicked on the icon for his Internet browser, and navigated to his author's profile. After he'd uploaded the document to his account, Kyle added the last chapter to his story and then clicked the submit button. The only problem was, his computer chose to freeze up at that exact moment, the Internet browser closing down on its own as the monitor flickered wildly for a few seconds before displaying the desktop.

"What the hell?" Kyle muttered, slapping at the side of his computer tower. This didn't do anything, unfortunately, making the nineteen year-old young man swear even more viciously at his misfortune.

"By the Ancestors, did your parents let you use that kind of language when you lived with them?"

Kyle spun around in his computer chair at the sound of a woman's voice coming from behind him, his heart racing as his flight-or-fight response sent massive amounts of adrenaline through his veins. A woman somewhere in her early thirties sat on the edge of the futon Kyle used as a bed, a mildly disgusted look on her face as she took in the mess of Taco Bell wrappers, Mountain Dew bottles, and chip bags that littered the general area around the futon. The black-haired woman was dressed entirely in brown, and her clothes were definitely not something to be found on Earth.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Kyle demanded, his voice squeaking in defiance of the tough guy persona he usually tried to cultivate. The woman just raised an elegantly shaped eyebrow at him and then shook her head with a soft sigh.

"I'm Miss Kyra, and I'm here to tell you that you've been selected to be in the inaugural class of the Stargate Official Fanfiction University, thanks to your, shall we say, less than canonical activities in the Stargate 'Verse."

Kyle spluttered, "What?"

"Your fanfiction license has been revoked due to clear and repeated violations. If you want to get it back, you must fill out these forms," said a man Kyle had not noticed.

The man was on the short side and thin. He was dressed in something that looked like a bad copy of a World War II uniform, and his hair, which Kyle noted with some superiority was too long to be regulation military, was slicked back. Kyle was thoroughly unimpressed. He gave his best attempt at a sneer and ignored the papers the man was offering.

"I don't need a license to write fanfic. Duh! It's FANfic. I can do whatever I want."

"Hmm." The man tucked the papers back into a clipboard and then tapped at a tablet computer for a moment. "Until you have your license back, you will not be able to post any fanfic."

Kyle saw that the Internet browser had reopened on his computer. He quickly clicked the bookmark for his favorite fanfic hosting site. There was an access denied error. He continued through all his bookmarks, becoming more and more agitated. **Access denied: Fanfic license required.** Over and over. He even Googled a few more sites. It was always the same thing. **Access denied.** Finally, he turned back to Miss Kyra and the man with the papers. "Um, could I maybe have those papers now?"

Miss Kyra smiled. "Mister Andon, if you would?" Andon nodded and then held out the clipboard to Kyle, who took it and started to read.

~/~

**The Stargate Official Fanfiction University**

Dear Fanwriter,

Thanks to the ...questionable... quality some of your works written for the Stargate fandom, we hereby announce your acceptance into the Stargate Official Fanfiction University. This is an organization meant to teach you the proper way to write good fanfiction set within the Stargate universes. Attendance and passing of all classes is mandatory in order to receive a license to continue your fanfiction writing career.

There will be a variety of courses offered, including Proper Military Ranks, How NOT to Write an Original Character, and Alien Languages 101: Not Everyone in the Universe Speaks English. The main Teaching Staff will be comprised of characters from all three series, and will be protected by various mini-Mastadges, mini-Unas, mini-Wraith, and mini-Nakai (the Blueberry Aliens). You have been warned.

Yours truly,

Miss Ranessa/Kyra of the Tok'ra and Mister Andon Koda of the Genii, Course Coordinators of SOFU

Kyle glanced up at Kyra and Andon, who merely looked expectantly at him. Kyle sighed and then turned back to the form in front of him, momentarily pausing to grab a pen from the paper-strewn mess on his desk before continuing on.

Your Personal Information

**Name: **Kyle Harper

**Age:** 21 (If they were asking, he might as well lie, right? Maybe there'd be alcohol at wherever the hell this "OFU" thing was.)

**Gender:** 100% manly man

**Race:** Runner (Second to Colonels O'Neill and Sheppard, Ronon was his favorite bad ass of the Stargate universes)

**Height:** 6'2"

**Please provide a brief description of yourself:** I have brown hair, green eyes, and tan skin. I have muscles, but I'm not a bodybuilder, 'cause having too many muscles is creepy.

**Are you ATA-positive: (Yes/No/Am I **_**What**_**?)** Of course I am.

**Are you in the military: (Yes/No)** Yes (Kyle was disappointed that he couldn't see any place to put his chosen rank of Major, but figured it would come soon enough once they saw just how awesome he was)

**Have you ever heard of a OFU before:** No

**Have you ever heard of the PPC before:** The what?

**List ****one**** luxury item you want to bring with you:** An endless supply of Mountain Dew (He grinned at this, figuring he'd be sufficiently caffeinated for as long as he was at SOFU)

General Questions

**Which of these have you seen (circle all that apply): Stargate Movie/SG-1/SGA/SGU** (He circled both SG-1 and SGA, but ignored SGU, since he didn't like any of the characters. None of them were as cool as Colonel O'Neill or Colonel Sheppard. He'd never seen the movie either, but that was okay. He knew what had happened)

**Of said shows, how many episodes do you think you have watched (a little/some/all/other): **All of them

**Do you know what canon is: (Yes/No/What's canon?) **Yes.

**Who is your favorite character, and why:** Colonel Sheppard, because he's so bad ass and good with the ladies (Unlike Kyle, who hadn't had a steady girlfriend since he was sixteen.)

**Who is your least favorite character, and why:** McKay, because he's so whiny.

**Who is your favorite scientist:** Why would I pay attention to the scientists?

**Who is your favorite member of the military:** Colonel Jack O'Neill

**Who is your favorite side character:** Side character?

**What is your favorite heterosexual pairing, and why do you think they go well together (please be brief): **I don't write romance. That's for girls.

**Do you like slash (male/male or female/female pairings): (Yes/No)** No! (Kyle shuddered at this; he actively avoided any mention of "teh gay")

**Have you ever written any slash: (Yes/No)** No

**Have you ever read any slash: (Yes/No)** NO!

**What is your favorite slash pairing, if applicable, and why do you think they go well together (please be brief):** N/A

**Which character are you attracted to the most, and why (please be brief): **Colonel Samantha Carter, because she's so sexy. (At the thought of Sam Carter in leather, Kyle had to wipe a little drool from the corner of his mouth)

**Permission form to attend SOFU**

Having answered these questions, please read the following disclaimer and then sign at the bottom in the appropriate spot:

(Please note: By signing this contract, you are hereby giving up all rights granted to you by your country's/state's/city's government/constitutions, as well as the Geneva Convention, and therefore may not complain, whine, bitch, moan, or otherwise cry about it when these "rights" are violated. Your license to write fanfiction has been revoked and will stay revoked until the completion of this OFU, upon which it will be returned to you. You will attend this OFU for at least one year; upon graduation, you will be assigned a mini of our choosing and then be returned to your place of residence three seconds after you originally left.

You must complete any and all tasks and attend all classes assigned to you by the teachers and staff of SOFU, as these may or may not qualify towards your graduation from SOFU. You also may or may not experience the following things while at SOFU: boredom, pain beyond all belief {both mental and physical}, death, resurrection {via a modified sarcophagus and/or Ascension followed by a mind wipe and immediate Descension}, aches, pains, headaches, or other various trivial bodily or mental trials. Since you're a fanthing and have a limited attention span, you're probably not going to read this since it's so long and will sign the form automatically; so, basically, we own your soul and aren't liable for anything you may or may not encounter. Have a good day.)

-Miss Ranessa/Kyra of the Tok'ra and Mister Andon Koda of the Genii, Course Coordinators of SOFU

Sign here: X_

~/~

Kyle skipped over the large paragraphs at the bottom of the forms, which incidentally, were in tiny font, and then scribbled his signature on the line. He handed the clipboard to Kyra, who took it, scanned the information, and then nodded. A smirk, unseen by Kyle, curved Kyra's lips briefly before she handed the clipboard to Andon, who stowed it away in an inner pocket of his long coat.

"We'll contact you soon," she said, getting carefully to her feet, trying not to step on a half-eaten piece of pizza at her feet. "Don't go anywhere." Andon stood up as well, kicking an empty Mountain Dew two-liter out of his way before putting a hand on Kyra's shoulder.

"Ready?" he asked, and when Kyra nodded, Andon spoke into an overlarge radio handset that Kyle hadn't noticed him holding before. "We're ready, _Phoenix_."

"_Understood,_" replied a voice on the other end of the line. "_Two to transport._"

With a shimmer of blue-white lights, Andon and Kyra disappeared into thin air, leaving Kyle to wonder what, exactly, had just happened. Figuring that everything would probably make more sense at a more sensible hour- it was three in the morning, after all -Kyle turned off the lights and then flopped down on his bed, his snores soon filling the air.


End file.
